I have an unrelenting fear

That I'm wasting every minute, every hour that I'm living here

I won't ask for sympathy

Just understand I can't change that part of me

I'm scared to admit it, so I act like I don't give a shit

Constantly hiding behind a masquerade 

I’m starting to get sick of being like this

Trapped in ignorant bliss

The very fabric of my being

Is fucking torn

You know,

I have this unrelenting fear

That I'm fighting the days, but I'm losing the years

A knife on my bed, a noose with my name

I keep calling it pain

The comfort it brings me is truly just shame

04/16/2024

Her cold hands delicately run across my spine, tracing each vertebrae carefully

Making a mental image of my back using the ends of her claws

With caution, she uses her razor-sharp nails to find each muscle as she tours my body

I can feel her legs wrapped around me tightening, her nails digging deeper.

Please

Don’t let go. 

Please

It hurts but I won't let go

Please

Let this pain be a memory I can't let go of

05/23/2024

How much it pains me to not feel certain emotions correctly will forever be incomprehensible to me.

My longing for true feelings, connection, love, communication resonates so immensely within me that I cannot do anything but freeze and try to understand myself

I've failed every single time

No matter how much I try,

I don't understand why I refuse to feel

Does it scare me?

How funny of me, to be hurt by something I can't describe

What purpose does this wall of false callousness serve?

All it does is force me to be alone and stubborn

How much am I missing out on?

I wish to fade while feeling everything I can't,

Wish to feel everything beautiful, painful and sad,

To feel real and alive

How curious of me, to long for a feeling I've never had

07/14/2024

I have, for most of my life, been a fool both to myself and other people

By letting things happen, thinking they will allow me to change into something I wasn't

And I did change, but not in the way I expected

Not in a way others wanted

I became bitter through my own actions and indescribable by forcing change

Time is what i took from myself and time is what allowed me to repent

What I borrowed will be paid back and what I stole,

God help me,

Will be carved from my flesh

7/28/2024